Henny Youngman Quotes


A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.
Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Henny Youngman